


Alexthymia

by GraeWrites



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Platonic Logicality - Freeform, touch starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 17:06:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraeWrites/pseuds/GraeWrites
Summary: Alexithymia: noun. Meaning difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses. (Or: human touching is an inherently emotional need and therefore, Logan cannot be touched-starved because he is Logic. At least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.)





	Alexthymia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, gals, and nonbinary pals. Finally got an AO3 to cross-post my Sides stuff from Tumblr. You can find me there at today-only-happens-once. ^u^ This was the first fic I ever wrote for this fandom (not first fic ever, but the first one for this amazing fandom). Based on the following prompt: “Success is more important than human contact and love and hugs and…” “Is that why you’re crying?”. Would love to hear your thoughts!

“Guys, have you noticed something being up with Logan recently?”

Virgil makes the comment in the middle of  _Lady and the Tramp_  one night, his head in Roman’s lap. Patton sits beside the Prince with his arm slung around his shoulders. Logan is nowhere to be found, holed up in his room. The Logical Side had been more and more distant lately, keeping to his room even during prime “bonding moments” as Patton had taken to calling them.

The few times he had ventured out of his room, Virgil had the feeling that it was more out of a sense of obligation. When Roman demanded two weeks ago that Logan stop to watch a movie with them, he’d grumbled something about productivity but sat down in the arm chair as the other three curled up together on the couch.

Patton had noticed that Logan kept glancing over at them, his gaze lingering on Roman’s head in his lap, on Virgil leaning up against his arm. Patton had raised his eyebrows and nodded to his side, letting Logan know he could join them if he wanted to. Logan quickly looked back at the screen.

That was also the last time he’d joined them for movie night.

“He has seemed…  _off_ , these past few weeks,” Roman agrees quietly. He glances towards the hallway leading down to Logan’s room, his brow slightly furrowed.

Patton is silent, but his gaze follows Roman’s down the hallway. Though Logan had never been particularly forthcoming in emotion—or communication about emotion—he also wasn’t usually quite so…  _distant_.

“I’ll go check in on him,” Patton says. He untangles himself from the other two and pushes himself to his feet. He sees Virgil biting his thumbnail and Roman’s tense shoulders and offers what he hopes looks like a reassuring smile. “I’ll be back.”

…

There’s a tentative knock on the door. “Logan?” Patton’s soft voice floats into the room. “Can I come in?”

Logan’s voice sounds muffled and distracted when he replies after a pause. “I-I’m a little busy, Patton…”

Patton sighs softly and slowly opens the door a crack and peers in. Logan is surrounded by a sea of open books, post-it notes, and loose-leaf papers scribbled with black and blue ink. The room is dark save for the desk lamp and the glow from the two computer monitors mounted at his desk.

“Kiddo…”

Logan doesn’t look much better than the state of his room. His hair is a bit disheveled, and the dim lighting doesn’t help the slightly sunken look to his eyes. His tie looks tight around his neck, his shirt wrinkled. For most people, the differences were slight and barely noticeable. But this was  _Logan_ —always pristine, always ready, always together.

The Logical Side doesn’t even look up as his eyes scan the smattering of notes that lay in front of him.

Patton steps further into the room and quietly shuts the door behind him. “Logan?”

Logan blinks a few times, then looks up at Patton. “Oh. Patton.” He adjusts the frame of his glasses and pushes them further up his nose. “Does Thomas need us?”

“No, nothing like that. We were—“

“Then I’m very sorry, Patton, but I really should focus on this. I believe I may have miscalculated something and—,” Logan abruptly cuts himself off as Patton places a hand on his shoulder. Patton notices the way his grip tightens almost imperceptibly around the pen in his hand.

Patton lets go immediately. “I’m sorry, kiddo,” he says, taking a step back. “I know you don’t like being touched—“

“No!” Logan says suddenly. “I… Patton… it’s…” Patton’s eyebrows pull together in a deeper worry. Logan almost never tripped over his words like this. “It’s quite all right,” Logan finishes softly, not meeting the other Side’s gaze.

Patton cocks his head a little. He hesitates, then sets his hand back down on Logan’s shoulder, watching him carefully to see how he reacts. He catches the faint breath Logan releases, feels some of the tension ease out of his shoulders, and Patton swears Logan  _leans into him_. Just a little, but nevertheless unmistakable.

“Kiddo?” Patton says after a moment. “Can we talk?”

Under his hand, Patton feels Logan stiffen all over again. Logan looks at the notes, the computer screen, the open book pages. Anywhere but at Patton. “If I could just finish these calculations, I’ll be right there.”

“Please, Logan. It’s important.” Patton gives his shoulder a small, gentle squeeze. Logan suddenly shrugs out of his grip.

“Patton…” Instead of looking at him like he hopes, Logan turns to the bookshelf on the adjacent wall and starts thumbing through a heavy leather-bound volume of something that Patton can’t quite make out in the dark.

“We’re worried about you, kiddo,” Patton tries again.

“Worrying is an emotion. In this particular case, it is an arbitrary one as I am operating at peak efficiency.” Logan’s usual matter-of-fact tone sounds a bit sharper than normal to Patton’s ears.

_ Something is definitely wrong _ , Patton thinks as Logan sets the book aside and pulls out another. “It’s just that you… haven’t been coming to movie nights or dinner lately. You used to, Logan. Did we do or say something to make you feel unwelcome? I’m sure we can talk it out if you’ll give us the chance.”

Logan freezes for just a moment, his back still to Patton. “Watching Disney movies that we have seen fifteen and a half times before is not a productive use of my time.”

Patton feels his heart sink a little. “Honey… it’s… family bonding time. It’s supposed to be time for us to all cuddle and relax a bit. You can’t…” His gaze travels over the disarray of information on the desk and floor. “You can’t keep going like this. You’re just gonna burn yourself out.”

Logan snaps the book closed so fast the thud practically echoes in the room. “I’m  _logic_ , Patton. Aside from Roman who needs a break and consumption of media to fuel his creative energy, I am a leading factor directly linked to Thomas’s immediate career success.  _Bonding time_  is not my place. I do not need it.”

That stung. “Logan…”

Logan whirls around on him. The faint white-blue glow from the computer screen and yellow lamplight catch the tears pressing against his eyes. Patton freezes. He can’t remember the last time he saw Logan in tears. “The need to touch and be touched is for emotional connection. I don’t need it.” Something catches in Logan’s throat, hitching his breath. “I-I  _shouldn’t_. I’m logic.”

“Logan… Kiddo….” Patton reaches a hand out and grabs both of his shoulders.

Logan is shaking his head adamantly. Patton tightens his grip. The book in Logan’s hands thuds to the floor and the tears finally overflow. “Success is more important than human contact and love and hugs and—“

“Is that why you’re crying?” Patton interrupts gently, his voice barely above a whisper. He uses his thumb and brushes away the other Side’s tears.

“I’m… I…” Logan hiccups. His face is flushed red and he squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m  _sorry_ ,” he whispers.

Empathy tightens in Patton’s chest. Carefully—so that if Logan sincerely doesn’t want to be touched, he can stop him—Patton pulls him into a hug. “Ssh. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

Logan goes stock still in Patton’s embrace for a brief moment before sagging into him a little. Patton cups the back of Logan’s head as the Logical Side buries his face in Patton’s cardigan tied around his neck. “I’m sorry,” he repeats anyway. His arms come up and wrap around Patton in return. “I shouldn’t be so emotional. I shouldn’t have… have… I shouldn’t need to…”  _Be touched_. Patton knows the need Logan is too ashamed to admit to.

“Falsehood,” Patton tells him softly but firmly. It earns a weak, watery chuckle.

Patton brushes his thumb back and forth in Logan’s hair for a moment, keeping him close. “It’s normal, you know,” he continues after a moment. “Needing physical contact with someone else once in a while. It’s natural. Dare I say, it’s  _logical_. You don’t have to force needs like that down. None of us… are asking that of you. None of us  _want_  that.”

Logan doesn’t respond right away. He stays wrapped up in Patton’s embrace for a moment before pulling back slowly. Hesitantly. He finally meets Patton’s eyes. His are red from crying and still a little watery. He looks away again, rubbing the back of his hand against his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says for the third time.

Patton looks at him sadly, then ruffles his hair.  “Don’t be, honey. Please. ” He offers a small smile. “Want to join us out there?  _Lady and the Tramp_  might be over soon but we were planning on watching the  _Aristocats_  next anyway.”

Logan’s eyes float back to his desk. At the piles of books, the scribbles of equations and formulas, as the graphs on the computer screen. For a moment, Patton can’t help but think Logan is about to say how he’s busy and needs to work. That none of this made a difference towards fixing Logan’s guilt over emotional needs and his evident touch-starvation (something that Patton silently promised himself to try to help fix).

Then Logan looks back at him, the corner of his mouth pulling upwards. “I’d like that.”

Patton’s heart swells. He gives Logan a bright grin. “Really? Great!” He’s about to bound out of the room when Logan stops him by grabbing his hand.

“And Patton?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

Patton just smiles again and slings an arm around Logan’s shoulders as they step out of the room. “Any time, kiddo.”


End file.
